So I was looking through old posts and I found this huge confession about my bad relationship with food. When I first started reading it, I forgot that I had even wrote it and started feeling sorry for this girl, about to reply, “Oh hunny, it’s ok! You will get through this!” After awhile though I realized it was mine. I remember feeling so low, and so horrible about myself. I still feel this way most of the time. But I’m willing again, or I want to be, when it comes to losing weight. I know there are a lot of supportive people out there who will help me. But there are also just so many things going against me.
No one in my home eats healthy. And my parents don’t cook. Seriously, it’s like once a week. We eat a lot of fast food, and deli food from walmart. I don’t really have much of a choice on what I eat. But like I said, I’ll start with portion control and maybe in the next few months when I get a car and a job, this may be a bit easier.
Heres the post:
“This is the lowest I’ve felt about myself in so long.
I just feel fat. Like I’m such a screw up. I went into this strong, knowing that it was going to be hard, but willing to stop eating the crap I was. I just gradually got myself into the same hole.
I have never had a healthy relationship with food. But I didn’t realize how bad it was until now. I didn’t really think I was binging, I’d have the serving.. and then another. Then a few minutes later I’d grab a handfull of chips, then another. Then after watching an hour or so of TV I’d walk back into the kitchen and eat a sandwich.
I guess I didn’t think it was “that bad.” Like when I’d eat something it was only a small portion. But those small portions really add up.
I’m so miserable right now and I’m wondering if this is something more. I can’t look at someone eating food without wanting some. Even if I don’t like the food, I have to have some. Even if I’m full, I always need more. It’s a never ending cycle.
Now, even though I’ve thought about purging, I never have. In a sick way I almost thought this made me even more of a failure. I’ve cut, just not enough to bleed, well too badly anyway. It’s like I have all these emotions and I can’t get them out. I’m afraid if I talk about them my mom’ll just say “Oh you’ll be fine. You’re just being a teenage girl.”
But that’s how it goes. A girl, or guy, starts throwing up their lunch or cutting themselves and when they say something “they just want attention.” And then they’re in rehab, or dead.
I need help. I just really don’t know what to do.”